We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
