If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
