Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
