He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
