I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
