I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
