You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
