3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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