My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
