The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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