you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
