Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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