margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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