I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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