I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
