he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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