and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
