At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
