literally had 100 drinks last night.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
