Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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