he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
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