I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I will be naked everywhere
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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