my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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