This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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