she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
