chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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