I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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