Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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