3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
