Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
