new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
