Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
