Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
