it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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