As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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