just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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