Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
