True but thats because hes a fetus.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
