I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
