A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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