That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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