you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
