Dude my mom stole all your condoms
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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