We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
