dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
