My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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