i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
