Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
