the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
