If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
