I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
