Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
